Carers’ Week June 6-12th 2022

Thinking about what it means to be a carer, an often bandied-about phrase comes to mind.  “Nobody signs up to be a carer.”  But of course, that’s simply not true.  Many, many people sign up to do the incredibly important and often rewarding work of caring for others.  When I got into an Uber shortly after lockdown ended, the driver Mohammed, told me that he was also working as a carer.  He told me that during lockdown he’d been unhappy watching Netflix on his sofa and over-eating.  He then started working with some young people living with intellectual disabilities and found the work incredibly rewarding.  He was full of how much his life had changed and how pleased he was with his new career; he’d also found a life partner in the same caring field.  His days, he told me, were now filled with joy, activity, and fun.

It is true though, that caring responsibilities often sneak up on us.  A child who is having difficulties finding out where they belong, an elderly parent coping with frailty and immobility.  Caring roles are as diverse as people.  Being responsible for another person can be relentless and may be rewarding. It can also be demanding, frustrating, exhausting and exasperating.  One of the challenges of caring is that it can be hard to sit with difficulty.  We are a species sometimes too clever and caring for our own good.  We want to fix things.  We may think that we can sometimes see what another person needs to be doing to improve their situation.  As a neurological physiotherapist for many years, I would often feel disappointed that people could not motivate themselves to do even a few minutes of regular exercise which I knew from experience would provide them with a massive benefit.  Over the years I became more accepting that each of us does different things with information about how we may be able to help ourselves.  Some fortunate people can and do form healthy and life-enhancing habits.  Others are comfortable with their lot and more accepting of strength and mobility decline.

My own grandmother had a stroke at the age of 92.  I knew I had the professional skills to help her to improve her mobility, maybe even to walk again.  However, she was very content with her situation.  She relished being cooked for and looked after, having looked after others for so long.  She took great delight in having her family around her with her beloved cat on her lap. I understood that to interfere with her decline was not kind or helpful and that backing off and just passing the time of day with her was what she wanted. Sometimes caring is not just about doing, but also about not doing. 

Caring is complicated.  Context is king.  People are often thrust into caring roles suddenly through injury or disease and lack the expertise and confidence to cope as well as they think they should. It’s a bit like parenthood. No amount of reading about it or talking about it prepares you for the shocking responsibility of caring for an infant.  Just doing it is the only way to learn and become comfortable with the new situation.

How can laughter help? When we face the unfamiliar, we often laugh as we are nervous. Laughing together brings us closer together, it provides us with an acknowledgement that we are in the situation together. Laughter levels the playing field, it brings us to the same level, giving us permission to play and experiment together so that we can discover ways of coping with challenges.

During Carer’s Week how about reaching out to someone you know who is caring for someone.  Simply letting them know that you are thinking about them and that you acknowledge their role can be enormously powerful. Sharing a laugh can often begin with sharing a memory. And although caring is often a serious business with real responsibilities, it doesn’t have to be without smiles and laughter.  Let’s use laughter to lighten the load of caring.

Anna

Anna Hatchard